You work out of a Hotel?
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
