Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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