Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
