Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Randomize
