we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
