Whod you bang
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
