Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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