I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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