You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Randomize