either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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