I'm so fucking centered right now
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
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