life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
