I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
My liver just had a heart attack.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
