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John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Randomize
