Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
