I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
