I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
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