The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Let's get the cat blown out
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Randomize
