You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
