matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
you're drinking in the law library????
...not a bad idea....
probably not a good idea either.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
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