You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Let's get the cat blown out
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
