I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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