u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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