When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Randomize
