Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
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