awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
