I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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