Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
