Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
