Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
