Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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