Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
