no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
