Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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