Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
