i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
