So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Randomize
