i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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