so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
