Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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