i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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