but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
