dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
