Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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