I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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