hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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