The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
