just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
