I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
