everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
