dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
