wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
