Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
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