I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
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