Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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