I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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