Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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