I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Randomize
