The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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