bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
where are you?
Hypothermia
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
The air was thick with penises
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
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