I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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