Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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