Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
