Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
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