After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
