Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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