so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I've blown a few things in my day
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
