Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
