just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
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