Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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