so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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